Since the 4th of July I have been easily agitated and felt like impending doom, as of mid-last week I found out why. It started by me received a letter from my granddaughter’s mother (or my ex-daughter-in-law). The letter stated that she wanted me to terminate her parental rights and adopt my granddaughter or she is going to petition the courts for parenting time and I needed to contact her immediately with a decision with in 2 days of receiving her letter. Now I have been her legal guardian since she was 18 months old and have had sole custody of my granddaughter since she was about 2 1/2 years old. I have heard absolutely nothing from her in at least 6 years, so I talked to my granddaughter who is now 12. I explained to her that I got the letter from her mother and what it said. She started out very upset telling me she wasn’t going to call her Mom. After talking about all the options we decided that if the court gives her parenting time it might not be a bad idea for her to see her. My granddaughter has a lot of questions and as long as her Mother (and I use the term loosely) is straight and my granddaughter is not in any danger she should talk to her Mother. As of yet we haven’t heard anything and maybe we won’t, but if we do we both know what direction to go in.
A few days after receiving the letter I received an email from a friend of my son’s (my granddaughter’s father). The email started out by saying that he was doing wonderful, buying a house and he wanted me to get a hold of him. I answered that I was glad he was doing so well and that he had a friend, but to be careful. I also told his friend that he knows how to get a hold of me, but I refused to talk to him unless he was clean and sober. I guess telling her that gave her permission to tell me everything he has told her in the last 10 years and that he really wasn’t doing so well he had lost his job because he was caught drinking on the job, he was still drinking everyday, was still doing drugs and my 35 year old son was living with a 19 year old girl. This I didn’t share with my granddaughter.
When I get troubled I clean right now even though it is 90+ degrees and I don’t have air, my house and yard are spotless and yet I am still angry!
On Friday we found out that my Step Father, who is 79, has had 2 open-heart surgeries is going to have his 3rd on August 5th. His health is needless to say not very good, but I’m worried about my Mom if he doesn’t make it through the surgery I don’t think she’s is ready to be alone again.
Yesterday was the topper I found out that my nephew that has been doing so well with his addiction to heroin, has been selling weed, hasn’t been going to meetings and chances are he is using again. He was promoted to phase II in drug court last week and I think he may have been sent to jail this week.
Emotionally I’m a wreck and feel like everything is again falling apart I guess that’s what I get for thinking things were finally looking up.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
It's a horrible responsibility to put on yourself
Most of my life I have played the role of “Super Mom” or so I thought, everything was doable and as my youngest approaches her teen years I wonder what kind of warped sense of life did I give my children. Then I look at my grown children and wonder if their mates are a reflection of who I was when they were the most impressionable. So then that would make me very delusional.
My oldest son who unfortunately is a crack addict, has been married twice that I know of and the women that he has chosen in my opinion are not a reflection of me. As I search my life I don't think that I was ever as self absorbed as the women in his life have been, but then I have never been an addict.
My view of myself is that after the age of 25, was and am a mother first, not saying that I didn't get overwhelmed or selfish from time to time. Then I think back to going to school and working as many as 3 jobs and still not making ends meet and out of the 36 years of being a parent, being a single parent for 18 years with little to no support from the other party I really wonder what impressions I did leave with my kids.
I see a lot of myself in my second son, though he tends to have some control issues, I think our basic views are similar. Yet I look at the person he is with and wonder what happened. She is an addict, in my view extremely selfish, is always claiming she is sick and expects everyone to raise her children. Her answer to child rearing is to ignore them. Her children are complete monsters without manners and if there is ever a problem it's everyone other than her children's fault.
Then I see my oldest daughter who is still at home and going to college and I watch her make the same mistakes I made in relationships, always trying to make things better and taking the full blame for everything that goes wrong.
So at this point in time my oldest son has signed off on all his children, my second son is a wonder father and parent, my oldest daughter loves kids (dating people with children) will be a great mother, and my youngest loves little ones. It looks like in the parenting department they are all with of course one exception pretty much like I am. As I look at what I have written I guess we are all pretty much attracted to the same kind of jerks too!
It's a horrible responsibility to put on yourself! LOL
My oldest son who unfortunately is a crack addict, has been married twice that I know of and the women that he has chosen in my opinion are not a reflection of me. As I search my life I don't think that I was ever as self absorbed as the women in his life have been, but then I have never been an addict.
My view of myself is that after the age of 25, was and am a mother first, not saying that I didn't get overwhelmed or selfish from time to time. Then I think back to going to school and working as many as 3 jobs and still not making ends meet and out of the 36 years of being a parent, being a single parent for 18 years with little to no support from the other party I really wonder what impressions I did leave with my kids.
I see a lot of myself in my second son, though he tends to have some control issues, I think our basic views are similar. Yet I look at the person he is with and wonder what happened. She is an addict, in my view extremely selfish, is always claiming she is sick and expects everyone to raise her children. Her answer to child rearing is to ignore them. Her children are complete monsters without manners and if there is ever a problem it's everyone other than her children's fault.
Then I see my oldest daughter who is still at home and going to college and I watch her make the same mistakes I made in relationships, always trying to make things better and taking the full blame for everything that goes wrong.
So at this point in time my oldest son has signed off on all his children, my second son is a wonder father and parent, my oldest daughter loves kids (dating people with children) will be a great mother, and my youngest loves little ones. It looks like in the parenting department they are all with of course one exception pretty much like I am. As I look at what I have written I guess we are all pretty much attracted to the same kind of jerks too!
It's a horrible responsibility to put on yourself! LOL
Friday, July 1, 2011
Another Week of Challenges
Things seem to be going pretty well with my nephew. He is still straight 97 days today and starting to enjoy life. He stays very very busy, he is still going to 6 meetings per week working 2 jobs, yet he is still staying in contact with me and having fun once a week he and my daughter do something this week it was beach volley ball. I am very proud of him.
The girl and her 5 kids that is living with me is starting to look for apartments or a house for rent FIA is going to help her with the security deposit and first months rent.
Now for added excitement I just heard from my granddaughter’s (the one that I am raising) mother. It has been 10 ½ years since my granddaughter has lived with her and well over 6 years since she has had any contact with her and that contact wasn’t her mother’s choice, has decided she is going to petition the court for parenting time. Yet there was a twist in the letter I received. I have the choice to adopt my granddaughter and terminate her Mother’s (and I use that term loosely) parental rights or she is going to petition the court. Now mind you I have custody of my granddaughter until she is 18 with no visitation from her parents. However, since I am receiving assistance from the state for my granddaughter, her mother is required to pay child support. The last 3 months I have been receiving child support. I am pretty sure she is expecting me to adopt my granddaughter. I look at it this way she lives 100 miles away, not to mention that if she still is working, weekends are her drug and sex time. How many times do you think she is going to make the trip, my guess is not many. Oh yes, I got letter on June 30th and I have until July 4th to make up my mind and answer her.
I love the fact that not to do anything is a choice, and that is the choice I am making. I heard from her about 2 years ago I had received child support for a month or two and she wanted me to terminate her parental rights, the reason for that was she loved my granddaughter very much but child support was too expensive.
We will have to wait to see where this one goes. I just hope my granddaughter doesn’t end up the loser.
The girl and her 5 kids that is living with me is starting to look for apartments or a house for rent FIA is going to help her with the security deposit and first months rent.
Now for added excitement I just heard from my granddaughter’s (the one that I am raising) mother. It has been 10 ½ years since my granddaughter has lived with her and well over 6 years since she has had any contact with her and that contact wasn’t her mother’s choice, has decided she is going to petition the court for parenting time. Yet there was a twist in the letter I received. I have the choice to adopt my granddaughter and terminate her Mother’s (and I use that term loosely) parental rights or she is going to petition the court. Now mind you I have custody of my granddaughter until she is 18 with no visitation from her parents. However, since I am receiving assistance from the state for my granddaughter, her mother is required to pay child support. The last 3 months I have been receiving child support. I am pretty sure she is expecting me to adopt my granddaughter. I look at it this way she lives 100 miles away, not to mention that if she still is working, weekends are her drug and sex time. How many times do you think she is going to make the trip, my guess is not many. Oh yes, I got letter on June 30th and I have until July 4th to make up my mind and answer her.
I love the fact that not to do anything is a choice, and that is the choice I am making. I heard from her about 2 years ago I had received child support for a month or two and she wanted me to terminate her parental rights, the reason for that was she loved my granddaughter very much but child support was too expensive.
We will have to wait to see where this one goes. I just hope my granddaughter doesn’t end up the loser.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Update
Life seems to be slowing down a bit. My nephew as of today he is 82 days clean and sober. As of last week because my schedule was so busy with my daughter and granddaughter he took his entire check and got himself and his vehicle legal and is now on the road. Although I am very worried about him and I pray for him continually, it's time to let him fly on his own, I am very proud of him.
The girl and her 5 children that moved in with me to escape domestic violence is a the right track. She has a job and has applied to live in housing based on her income. However, CPS is coming to my house in the morning to make sure her living conditions are okay (it's funny that the person that inflects violence calls CPS). I'm hoping everything will go well we are all doing our extra cleaning tonight.
My oldest daughter isn't doing so well she is still staying with an abusive jerk, she is still taking the blame for it every time it happens and she is still telling me I don't understand. The sad part is that she watched me go through the abuse and the recovery and there isn't anything holding her there. She isn't married to him, she doesn't have any children, most of her things are still at home, but she loves him. Love was never an issue with me, I always felt trapped, I never thought I could make it on my own. Stranger things have happened I did make it and I am making it not without a lot of help, but I am doing it.
Then I have my 12 year old that I'm not sure what to do with her. I have never seen a kid with less ambition or energy she does absolutely nothing. She got out of school yesterday. Her mission for the day was to pick up her room so that I could wash it down after I worked for 5 hours. She had people in the house, she didn't do anything in her room and since everyone has been escorted out she has been laying on her bed. This one is going to take a lot of patience!
The girl and her 5 children that moved in with me to escape domestic violence is a the right track. She has a job and has applied to live in housing based on her income. However, CPS is coming to my house in the morning to make sure her living conditions are okay (it's funny that the person that inflects violence calls CPS). I'm hoping everything will go well we are all doing our extra cleaning tonight.
My oldest daughter isn't doing so well she is still staying with an abusive jerk, she is still taking the blame for it every time it happens and she is still telling me I don't understand. The sad part is that she watched me go through the abuse and the recovery and there isn't anything holding her there. She isn't married to him, she doesn't have any children, most of her things are still at home, but she loves him. Love was never an issue with me, I always felt trapped, I never thought I could make it on my own. Stranger things have happened I did make it and I am making it not without a lot of help, but I am doing it.
Then I have my 12 year old that I'm not sure what to do with her. I have never seen a kid with less ambition or energy she does absolutely nothing. She got out of school yesterday. Her mission for the day was to pick up her room so that I could wash it down after I worked for 5 hours. She had people in the house, she didn't do anything in her room and since everyone has been escorted out she has been laying on her bed. This one is going to take a lot of patience!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Domestic Violence
Though I’m a survivor of domestic violence I find myself in awe that my daughter is comfortable in an abusive relationship and keeps going back for more. It saddens me to think that somewhere along the line I must have taught her that it was okay to allow abusive. I wonder what it’s going take for her to say this situation is NOT okay.
I picked up a flyer entitled "empowering women" put out by the YMCA that describes one form domestic violence is:
**There are times when you are or have been afraid of or felt threatened, by your partner.
**Your partner calls you bad names or makes you feel bad about yourself
**You feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around your partner, or your partner seems like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – you never know when they are going to be angry or happy, peaceful or abusive.
***You don’t have access to income, are given an “allowance” or are required to ask you partner for money
These are things “we” in an abusive relationship don’t even think of as being part of the abuse we seem to be grateful for not being hit or pushed around. I also found another statistic that we as women being nurtures and wanting to please if we are in an abusive relationship that we will stay in the relationship as long as we are happy between 10 and 15% of the time. How sad are we to settle for being unhappy between 85 and 90% of the time.
Then we are so good at blaming ourselves for all the abusive, giving them every excuse to think it was okay. It happened because they are so stressed at work, they were having a bad day because of an ex, and we should have been more sensitive to the situation and not made waves.
What we forget is that legally we have the right to vote therefore; we legally have the right to an opinion. We are also protected under the constitutional amendment of freedom of speech.
So what happens when we finally find the strength to leave as a survivor of domestic violence? We have to put the earplugs in our head and continually tell ourselves that we are not bad people and we are stronger for what we have been through. Who knows you could end up like me, I decided that I’m very happy being me after I found out who I was. I have been single now for 10 years and sometimes I think I would like to date and I try and decide I like being me without restriction. I have even known some of us that have met wonderful men that thank god for bring one of us to them.
I am not a victim. There are no lost causes. ""I've been there, done that, and know suffering -- but it's all good."" I'm still standing. ""Can't touch this."" Self-pity is an excuse to do nothing. To appeal to sympathy for pity's sake is to seek affirmation of the choice to do nothing. I am empowered by the spirit and support of meaningful experience and I transform with silent resilience."
Domestic Violence Sourcebook, The
I picked up a flyer entitled "empowering women" put out by the YMCA that describes one form domestic violence is:
**There are times when you are or have been afraid of or felt threatened, by your partner.
**Your partner calls you bad names or makes you feel bad about yourself
**You feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around your partner, or your partner seems like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – you never know when they are going to be angry or happy, peaceful or abusive.
***You don’t have access to income, are given an “allowance” or are required to ask you partner for money
These are things “we” in an abusive relationship don’t even think of as being part of the abuse we seem to be grateful for not being hit or pushed around. I also found another statistic that we as women being nurtures and wanting to please if we are in an abusive relationship that we will stay in the relationship as long as we are happy between 10 and 15% of the time. How sad are we to settle for being unhappy between 85 and 90% of the time.
Then we are so good at blaming ourselves for all the abusive, giving them every excuse to think it was okay. It happened because they are so stressed at work, they were having a bad day because of an ex, and we should have been more sensitive to the situation and not made waves.
What we forget is that legally we have the right to vote therefore; we legally have the right to an opinion. We are also protected under the constitutional amendment of freedom of speech.
So what happens when we finally find the strength to leave as a survivor of domestic violence? We have to put the earplugs in our head and continually tell ourselves that we are not bad people and we are stronger for what we have been through. Who knows you could end up like me, I decided that I’m very happy being me after I found out who I was. I have been single now for 10 years and sometimes I think I would like to date and I try and decide I like being me without restriction. I have even known some of us that have met wonderful men that thank god for bring one of us to them.
I am not a victim. There are no lost causes. ""I've been there, done that, and know suffering -- but it's all good."" I'm still standing. ""Can't touch this."" Self-pity is an excuse to do nothing. To appeal to sympathy for pity's sake is to seek affirmation of the choice to do nothing. I am empowered by the spirit and support of meaningful experience and I transform with silent resilience."
Domestic Violence Sourcebook, The
Friday, May 6, 2011
40 Days
We are currently on day 40 of being clean and sober. I am very proud of my nephew he has had to work very hard to get here and the fact he refuses to go through these 40 days again makes me incredibly happy.
My 20 year old daughter on the other hand although she is no longer drinking daily, she is still drinking and in a very bad relationship that gives her all the excuses to drink. I look at the people my children are attracted and I realize what a huge role my attitudes towards relationships have had on the partners my children are choosing. I was always the peace make trying not to make waves while my partners did everything they could to create chaos. As I watch my children they are attracted to the same chaotic relationships, continually trying to keep the peace and no peace can be found.
My 20 year old daughter on the other hand although she is no longer drinking daily, she is still drinking and in a very bad relationship that gives her all the excuses to drink. I look at the people my children are attracted and I realize what a huge role my attitudes towards relationships have had on the partners my children are choosing. I was always the peace make trying not to make waves while my partners did everything they could to create chaos. As I watch my children they are attracted to the same chaotic relationships, continually trying to keep the peace and no peace can be found.
Friday, April 29, 2011
My Quest
My quest for helping my nephew to kick the drug habit is well underway he has now reached 34 days of being clean, he received his key chain for being clean for 30 days and I don’t think I have ever seen him as proud of something. He really wants this, I am so proud of him and his head is in such a good place! He has always had such a great sense of humor and when his therapist asked why he thought he was going to make it this time why his attitude was so much better he laughingly said, “My aunt would kill me she has just as many hours into my clean time as I do.” Yes, that is the truth while he has slept on one couch, I sleep on the love seat, I know everything he is doing and not doing and it is paying off and I now have a new form of entertainment, sitting in parking lots for hours.
Thank God for this large favor, he has been with me the every step of the way and hopefully will continue to be with US next week. I start a new job through it’s part-time it’s still 3 days a week that we have to work around and I pray that it will go as smoothly as these last 34 days have gone. I’m not saying they have been a piece of cake by any means but they could have been a whole lot worse.
Thank God for this large favor, he has been with me the every step of the way and hopefully will continue to be with US next week. I start a new job through it’s part-time it’s still 3 days a week that we have to work around and I pray that it will go as smoothly as these last 34 days have gone. I’m not saying they have been a piece of cake by any means but they could have been a whole lot worse.
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