Dating

At 55 years old I still dream of finding the perfect love, a soul mate. Actually, my heart aches to find love. I have tried internet dating on a couple of sites, only to be disappointed. The disappointment comes from the views on sex. I still or maybe one of the few that think of sex a being a sacred act. I have found that on the websites, that men are making what seems to be a last ditch effort to try everything they have never tried sexually. I don't know if it's male menopause or this is there last chance for all their sexual fantasies.

Personally I find it very difficult to tell someone I don't know all my sexual fantasies. To type something that someone wants to hear so they can masturbate while reading it. I have become so disappointed that this is what sex has been reduce to.

What happened to being so in love with someone that you can't wait to see them, touch them, and kiss them. That when you kiss them everything in your being wants to be with them. Or is that just an old woman's view of what was, when youth and beauty were on your side. I watch my children as they fall in love, young love and am so envious that they're chance of finding real love is so much greater than mine.

Though as each day goes by and my search continues, I find it better to be alone than to be with an superficial love.

Fifty Five and Relationships

Fifty five years old and still feeling like a teenager. Just wanting to be in a relationship and doing some real dumb things to find one. I tried on line dating and though you can meet people it has been my experience that you meet people that are not looking for a long term relationship. Mostly I found people that are looking for people to live with, no emotional connection and of course sex is part of the package or simply a sexual relationship.

I did meet one person that was looking for a long term relationship the only problem was that it was on his terms only. I was not allowed to have an opinion or feelings of my own and was not suppose to have any connection to my family. I tried it for a while so who was the bigger fool. Then I tried a person only interested in a sexual relationship, since I still have kids at home meeting at his place seemed to work pretty well. Then we became friends and pretty good friends. Becoming friends put an end to our relationship entirely, because as I friend could no longer turn the man on.

Now I do believe that we are all from dysfunctional families and it is how we survive the dysfunction that puts us in our own category. Not that I haven't raised my children with their own set of dysfunctions, but after sifting through the good and bad things that have happened to me throughout my adult life I have made my list of what I want in my life.

Being in a relationship is top on my list. I didn't think it would a big problem, but I have found that the biggest deterrent is that I have an eleven year old at home. Though she is my granddaughter that I am raising it is certainly not an option for me to ignore the fact that she is part of my life. I have also, found that in the area that I live men 50 years and older are retired. How does that happen. That just leaves most of these men with nothing to do but become depressed and lazy.

Now I work part-time and should be working full-time, but my 19 year old daughter is having her 4th knee surgery and until her knee is taken care of I can't take the risk of her losing her insurance by me having a full-time job. On my days off I am a homeowner that requires maintenance (cutting the grass, weeding the garden and cleaning the house), I also watch 3 of my grandchildren ages 7 and under 3 days of week. I have a busy schedule. I have a difficult time with men who can't find anything to do but become old.

I have found that I crave affection from a man and would love to have someone that thinks that I am as special as I think that they are. I have been told at my age I shouldn't be so picky. Unfortunately, when I was younger I wasn't as picky as I should have been. I got married the first time because I wanted to be married which ended after 3 years the second time I got married because I was tired of being alone that I gave everything I had for 15 years. I want to married again, but I want to be married for the right reasons. I want to be head over heels in love. I want all the obstacles as seen by this mas as part of my wonderful package. I wonder if there is such a person.

I watch my children and find myself envious of young love, of being so willing to to vulnerable and it being so easy for them to give of themselves.

New Beginnings

Spring a time for new beginnings. That doesn't seem to be the case this year for us. I chose to say good-bye to love. My oldest son said good bye to his freedom after being arrested for having a meth lab. My daughter had her 3rd knee surgery very possibly saying good-bye to her life long dream. My nephew not making very good decisions thinks that drug and alcohol is a good way of life saying good-bye to sobriety. We said good-bye to a little boy who left us because of child abuse.

So maybe it is a time for new beginnings. Broken heart, broken dreams and broken lives make us truly look at what is left. As we go kicking and screaming into a life not of our choice, but because of circumstances that we put ourselves in and possibly our destiny. Our lessons we are to learn in life seem to hit us in cycles. To test our strength, our endurance or maybe just our sanity.

My son that I haven't spoken to in many years due to his choice of drug abuse. He has spent about half his life in jail and trying to con the world, including steeling his brother's identity. Leaving his children to find there way without a father. I happen to be raising one of his children. Yet my heart is deeply saddened that there wasn't anything more important than his drug addiction. I have found some comfort knowing that I have done the best I can do as a parent and that my children have there own life path. Though, I don't always understand their logic or their actions, I have always tried to keep an open mind and to listen without opinion. I do find myself in this case not understanding. Not being able to comprehend how you can walk away from children and family for drugs.

My daughter, since the age of 2 she dreamed of being a dancer. Without regret I did everything I could to be supportive both emotionally and financially. At one point in time she was dancing 6 days a week. Now I think she sees herself never dancing again. Unfortunately, I feel she blames me for the surgeries and her inability to dance. Alcohol has become a very good friend to her. I worry that it would be so easy for her to give up and drowned her sorrows, however, I know how determined she is. If she truly wants something she can get it. Though, it would take time and care she could do it. I am hoping God will show her some direction and if not dance then a career that would give her more gratification than dance ever could. Her life has had many challenges, but like with all my children I am in their corner for as long as they allow me be in their corner.

My other son, my second marriage left more scars emotionally with him than any of my other children, I am extremely proud of. He is a wonderful father, works very hard to support his family yet always comes up short. When his brother stole his identity he was arrested, went to court on numerous charges, and had trouble finding a job due to his record (that really wasn't his). Yet he keeps a positive attitude and keeps plugging away. Maybe we are more alike than the rest of them.

Then we have my granddaughter that I am raising. She is struggling so hard to find out who she is. We are very connected right now and though she is only 11 she can sometimes show me wisdom way beyond her years. It's very hard for her to understand how her parents pick drugs over her, but I let her know how happy I am that she came to live with me and became part of my daily life.

My heart goes out to my sister who is struggling trying not to let her only son take the path of my oldest son. I hope she is able to show him that sobriety is an easier and better way of life. I hope he can find the inner strength to find his life path beyond drugs and alcohol.

Then I am still so horrified and angry at the senseless death of a four year old little boy, the worse case of child abuse in Michigan, because of drugs.

I am trying not to deal with all this on an emotional level, but logic seems to escape me right now. I don't do drugs or drink and that's by choice. Not that I never have, I always found that it made the situations worse and thinking things out were next to impossible. Holidays I have a glass of wine with dinner, but I don't find the need for any more than that. I have always worked very hard to make things work, yet for the last three years I have been unemployed. I just said good-bye to the love of my life. The reason was I didn't think it should be necessary to give up my family to be in love. My family has always been my life and my purpose for being alive. Now I'm looking at different things not only are so many members of my family looking at new beginnings, I am too. I have to make some big decisions to make as far as where my life is going. So along with everyone else I am kicking and screaming making these changes and trying to find my life path.

Justice for Dominick - Child Abuse

The viewing and funeral are over, the hundreds of people that came to the candle vigil have all gone, most leaving with tears in their eyes. Now the emptiness of going on day to day without Dominick becomes a reality. More awareness has been brought to child abuse and the fight for a tougher law against the abuser “Dominick's Law” is being drafted and petitions are being prepared. As days pass the memories seem to fade into the back ground of daily life.

I don't think the picture in my mind of this little boy in the hospital bed will ever leave my mind. The bruised, burnt, broken baby will haunt my mind forever. Part of it is how can any human being do this to anyone let alone a child and the other part is that could have been one of my children. I was a victim of domestic violence and I was not an on looker when the violence headed my childrens direction. After being at the hospital with Dominick and seeing this broken little boy I felt a great need to call my adult children and apologize for all the times that they didn't feel safe in their own home. I didn't do my job as a mother, but the words of my mother haunt me to this day. “It's better to have a bad father than no father at all”, and I didn't feel I deserved better. For some reason it seem to justify staying with the man I was married to and to put up with the emotional and physical scars. I'm not sure what changed my mind, I knew my children deserved better even if I didn't. I thank God that I had the strength to leave when I did.

I think of all the women and children in this situation and seriously wonder how we can let these women and children know they are worth so much more. They deserve so much more. So many of these abusers are such wonderful people until they get home.

Though I struggle daily now to make ends meet, to keep a roof over their heads and in just being alone without a hug when things are really bad, I know we are happier and safer.

What I can't get my head around is what kind of comfort do these people find in destroying the defenseless and the weaker? How does this make them feel? The remorse is little because they do strike again. I don't believe it is drugs and/or alcohol. I just don't understand the cruelty to anyone let alone a child.

Visit on facebook JUSTICE FOR DOMINICK

Child Abuse

We started yesterday by celebrating the coming of my nephew's baby. The baby shower was decorated with balloons and baby bottles, and the gifts were tiny and precious. Then we got the phone call that a friends little boy of four had been beaten by his mother's boyfriend and was being taken to the hospital by ambulance.

By the time we got there Dominick was in surgery. The surgeons had removed a piece of his fractured skull so the brain had room to swell. Then the surgeons came into the waiting room to tell us that he was brain dead they had pronounced him dead in OR and it was the worse case of child abuse they had ever seen. His little body was burnt with cigarettes, lighters and a torch. His skull had been fractured, nose broken, and his body was badly bruised. He was kept on life support while the medical team looked for matches for his organs. At 10:00 this morning we all said our last good-byes as they removed all the life support and within 30 minutes he left us.

This brought back so much pain, anger and hurt, because 3 years ago I lost my 2 year old granddaughter to child abuse. She was sick and wouldn't quit crying so her mother's boyfriend suffocated her with a pillow.

Both of these senseless death happened in the safety of these children's home. Both of these children had mother's and boyfriends on drugs. Both of these children homes had been investigated by CPS and both these children were left in this environment to fend for themselves.

My anger comes from why are drugs an excuse for this kind of behavior? Why are these children left in the environment where they aren't safe? What could these two babies have possibly done to deserve the physical and mental pain they had to endure. Both these babies had family that would have gladly taken them, loved them and kept them safe, but were not allowed the option.

I was fortunate enough to save one of my grandchildren from anymore of the abuse she had already experienced. She was 18 months old when she came to live with me and had been sold to the highest bidder every night for drugs.

How can we allow our children or grandchildren to live under these conditions?

Dominick you are safe with God now.

Being Blessed

February the month of hearts, flowers, love and lent. I use February as a month to remember how blessed I am. I have 3 beautiful children that are loving, giving and caring people. I have 3 beautiful grandchildren and a Mother and Step Father that I don't know what I would do without! Even in times that they shouldn't be supportive they are. I am one of the very fortunate ones that are continually surrounded by love.

We use February for positive thinking and always being there for the other one. We have a semi-new member to our family; my son has a live in girlfriend that has a very hard time with this concept. She finds it very easy to stay in the negative and I find it very difficult to be around her. I find it much easier to be direct talk about a problem and go from there. She just finds it easy to talk to everyone but the person she is having problems with. Thinking negatively is contagious and not really a place I want to be.

For the month of February I would love to find a loving, caring, supportive relationship, one that would help me grow. I find that I get very comfortable in being one, but I also remember that having another by your side can make things really great. I think I will focus on being surrounded by love, by a special person. There is someone waiting out there just for me.

Finding Humor in Small Houses

I live in a small house that is 800 square feet. I have lived in this house for 30 years and have raised 2 kids, and am still raising 2 kids. With 2 kids living at home along with 2 birds, a cat, a dog, and 8 puppies, oh yes we have one goldfish. Now it's not bad enough that the birds throw bird seed all over the living room floor and I have to vaccum up the mess twice a day. The cat has a paralyzed tail that she drags through the mud, water and anything else she can find to drag it through and washes the floors and furniture with whatever her tail has soaked up. Now I have 8 puppies with a mommy dog that is not the least bit interested in being a mother of her 4 week old pups who are now pooping and peeing everywhere and chewing the plywood escaping the kitchen. As we tip toe through the many messes of the animals, I watch my granddaughter of 5 and my son's live in's boy of 6 and 7. Now I am being told that I am neglecting the boys when they are over here! How do you figure I have time to neglect the boys when I am so busy cleaning up after 12 animals, my own 2 kids and working part-time. Something just doesn't sound right!

You have to find some humor in this, though I think that I am the crazy one. I thought I would have time to find a male friend to spend some time with! Who am I kidding? Maybe I should find someone who just whats to kidnap me. Calgone take me away!!!

Depression and Miracles that help

I have had my bouts with depression. Sometimes sever, other times still able to function. I have been told it was caused by menopause, post traumatic stress syndrome, I just think it is part of the ups and downs of life. In the last 10 years I have been able to recognize my depression as I am coming into the black hole that takes forever to emerge to become a somewhat "normal" person.

I am a single mother of four, two still at home. The place I worked for 13 years went out of business at the same time my second divorce became final and I am in my fifties. Finding a full-time position has been next to impossible and when I do interview I get the feeling that I am too old for the position, and I live in Michigan 1000 people for each job available. So on a daily basis I fight the sinking feeling of depression.

I have found that finding things to change my thinking patterns work, if I don't fall so far that I need professional help. There are three things that I have found to help coach me through the dark feelings of my life. The first thing is the DVD "The Secret". I purchased the DVD when it became an instant best seller after being on TV and find that if I watch it daily, it is my continual coach to think positive. The second is to reread the book "Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen this helps me to remember that I am in Gods favor and that everyday could be my day for my miracle. The third thing is to randomly find a passage in the "Course of Miracles". All these things help remind me that I am in control of my life and the Universe will provide for me.

For the past two years I have had to ask for hardship exemptions for my property taxes. This doesn't make them go completely away but reduces them significantly to (in most cases) something that is affordable. Then I have to go to the County Tax Office to ask for an extension on foreclosure on my house that I have lived in for 30 years.

When I made my appointment with the County this year I was told I had to have $4,200.00 by March 31st. Needless to say my depression deepened and I let it get to the point that I almost fell into the "black hole". My appointment was today and I started last Monday reading and watching. Everyday I told myself that "money comes easily and frequently", "I am in Gods favor", "only right things happen" and that "today could be my day for my miracle".

Today my miracle happened all my taxes were postponed for another year. Not that my employment changed or that my money situation changed, but it gives me one more year of positive thinking and of finding my place.

Raising Grandchildren

It's been 7 years since I made the decision to raise my Granddaughter. A decision that I will never regret but not without challenges. I made the decision without consulting any of my family members or my spouse at the time. I became aware that my son and daughter-in-law were crack addicts and were selling my granddaughter to the highest bidder for the night to afford crack. I paid $150.00 to my son and removed my granddaughter of 18 months old out of a house that had no electricity, no heat, the basement floor to ceiling with dirty clothes, dirty dishes and garbage everywhere you looked. This poor baby exposed to more in her short 18 months than I had been exposed to in a life time. I filed a complaint with Protective Services and took my granddaughter home.

She was placed in my care as a foster child. This is not legal advise by any means, but hind sight is 50/50. From foster care I immediately became her limited guardian, which looking back at it I should have gone to the classes and stayed her foster parent. The time limit on a child in foster care is much short for the permanent placement and the state pays all the costs. As a limited guardian I was required to take my granddaughter to a state facility every week for an hour to visit with her parents that showed up less than half the time and we did this for two and a half years.

As a limited guardian I was only allowed to file for custody of my granddaughter and though she is in my custody until she is eighteen years of age parental right were never terminated. Had I been a foster parent parental rights would have been terminated and I would have been able to adopt her.

We still have our challenges to start with I am 54 and she is 10, she still has anger issues with her parents that they chose drugs over her and I am sure in a short time when the teenage years arrive we will be dealing with what happened to her in her early years and I am sure she will give me a run for her money.

She has been a huge blessing in my life and if anyone calls me her Grandmother she quickly corrects them and tells them, “That's my Mom and it's the only Mom I know.”

A great website is www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com there is also a website sponsored by AARP that has some good information.