New Beginnings

Spring a time for new beginnings. That doesn't seem to be the case this year for us. I chose to say good-bye to love. My oldest son said good bye to his freedom after being arrested for having a meth lab. My daughter had her 3rd knee surgery very possibly saying good-bye to her life long dream. My nephew not making very good decisions thinks that drug and alcohol is a good way of life saying good-bye to sobriety. We said good-bye to a little boy who left us because of child abuse.

So maybe it is a time for new beginnings. Broken heart, broken dreams and broken lives make us truly look at what is left. As we go kicking and screaming into a life not of our choice, but because of circumstances that we put ourselves in and possibly our destiny. Our lessons we are to learn in life seem to hit us in cycles. To test our strength, our endurance or maybe just our sanity.

My son that I haven't spoken to in many years due to his choice of drug abuse. He has spent about half his life in jail and trying to con the world, including steeling his brother's identity. Leaving his children to find there way without a father. I happen to be raising one of his children. Yet my heart is deeply saddened that there wasn't anything more important than his drug addiction. I have found some comfort knowing that I have done the best I can do as a parent and that my children have there own life path. Though, I don't always understand their logic or their actions, I have always tried to keep an open mind and to listen without opinion. I do find myself in this case not understanding. Not being able to comprehend how you can walk away from children and family for drugs.

My daughter, since the age of 2 she dreamed of being a dancer. Without regret I did everything I could to be supportive both emotionally and financially. At one point in time she was dancing 6 days a week. Now I think she sees herself never dancing again. Unfortunately, I feel she blames me for the surgeries and her inability to dance. Alcohol has become a very good friend to her. I worry that it would be so easy for her to give up and drowned her sorrows, however, I know how determined she is. If she truly wants something she can get it. Though, it would take time and care she could do it. I am hoping God will show her some direction and if not dance then a career that would give her more gratification than dance ever could. Her life has had many challenges, but like with all my children I am in their corner for as long as they allow me be in their corner.

My other son, my second marriage left more scars emotionally with him than any of my other children, I am extremely proud of. He is a wonderful father, works very hard to support his family yet always comes up short. When his brother stole his identity he was arrested, went to court on numerous charges, and had trouble finding a job due to his record (that really wasn't his). Yet he keeps a positive attitude and keeps plugging away. Maybe we are more alike than the rest of them.

Then we have my granddaughter that I am raising. She is struggling so hard to find out who she is. We are very connected right now and though she is only 11 she can sometimes show me wisdom way beyond her years. It's very hard for her to understand how her parents pick drugs over her, but I let her know how happy I am that she came to live with me and became part of my daily life.

My heart goes out to my sister who is struggling trying not to let her only son take the path of my oldest son. I hope she is able to show him that sobriety is an easier and better way of life. I hope he can find the inner strength to find his life path beyond drugs and alcohol.

Then I am still so horrified and angry at the senseless death of a four year old little boy, the worse case of child abuse in Michigan, because of drugs.

I am trying not to deal with all this on an emotional level, but logic seems to escape me right now. I don't do drugs or drink and that's by choice. Not that I never have, I always found that it made the situations worse and thinking things out were next to impossible. Holidays I have a glass of wine with dinner, but I don't find the need for any more than that. I have always worked very hard to make things work, yet for the last three years I have been unemployed. I just said good-bye to the love of my life. The reason was I didn't think it should be necessary to give up my family to be in love. My family has always been my life and my purpose for being alive. Now I'm looking at different things not only are so many members of my family looking at new beginnings, I am too. I have to make some big decisions to make as far as where my life is going. So along with everyone else I am kicking and screaming making these changes and trying to find my life path.